Becoming a domestic goddess.

Strictly speaking, I am not a domestic goddess.  Not by a long shot.  Ever since having kids, or even before that, I've struggled with keeping things tidy, organised, clean and sane.  I'd like to blame lots of things but the basic fact is that part of it is simply who I am (genetics would say I have some strong tendency towards mess courtesy of my paternal side), but part of it is that I don't always make enough effort to do something about it.

Given that I have four young children, its easy for the house to go from sane to chaotic in a nanosecond.  And it was getting me down in more ways than one.  It would be nice to blame the kids for the whole thing but really, its not their fault.  They are kids.  They are messy.  This is what it is.  But how I deal with it can change.  Ultimately none of us are responsible for other peoples behaviour, we can only be responsible for ourselves. So that's the perspective that I'm taking into this whole process.

I am awesome at finding excuses to not do housework.  So I had to really look hard at myself at why I was not doing housework.  It wasn't just that the kids would mess it up again, although that might have determined when I did something.  Sometimes I would think that I am too tired to tidy up.  Especially dishes, I've never liked doing dishes.  But you know, I am always tired.  Tiredness doesn't go away for me.  I've been doing the night shift for years now, no sooner does once child sleep through than another one comes along.  Tiredness is not actually an excuse for me because it is just who I am.

Distraction and procrastination are other ways I can avoid doing the housework.  Get on the computer, do some stuff around that for a while and suddenly its 8:30 and "too late" to do the housework or dishes.  Its super easy to find something to do that isn't housework.  Of course its not always 'work' either, and that's when it becomes a distraction or an activity I use to procrastinate.

Before I go on, I will inject some realism.  My house will not look like something out of home and garden no matter how I try and that is not my intent.  I want my house functional and liveable and finally, kids are kids and they make mess so my house will never look perfect all the time.  It doesn't need to.

No, my goal has been over the last few months to make some changes to both our house and myself to help things move from being overly chaotic to vaguely sane.  

When I looked honestly at the whole thing, there were several things that made it clear that I've had to change.  Firstly, sometimes the mess was embarrassing.  Now maybe people didn't judge me for the mess but I found it stressful if people were coming over and I was having to do a tidy up and it was hard to tell that I'd done anything much.  The other main reason is that it was stressing me out.  I hate not being able to find the kids clothes without searching through the washing pile and the rush that ensues when they can't find things themselves.  I hate having to wash the dishes before I can use them to cook again.  ANd finally, if I wanted things to be more sane, then I needed to be the one organising it and then I could get the family on board.   I am the gatekeeper of routine and organisation.

And because the mess was impacting on me and my family, it has led to a desire for change.

So that's a meandering summary of what's been going on for me.  In the next little while I'm going to talk about changing routines and habits, altering environments and the surprising discoveries I've made along the way.  I've found since reflecting on all this, that my occupational therapy roots are showing.  I think this is no bad thing because it honestly reflects the process of change that I am going to while providing a theoretical basis for it, should anyone need it haha.  And I should add a caveat - I still have days where I might not do everything.  I am a work in progress still but I am trying.  And for those who don't struggle with mess, some of this might seem really really nonsensical and odd... and that's a sure sign that its not an issue for you.  If you relate to what I am writing then you will 'get' where I am coming from.  If at some point you find a difference between where you are and where you want to be... and that is a sure sign that you are ready to start the process of change.

How others see us...

One morning I was out doing a few last minute errands before going home to sort out a birthday party for that afternoon.  Baby boy was still asleep so I popped into the golden arches for a drink before heading back.  While there, and as I fed and sorted out my little man, who (Murphy's Law) woke up the second I sat down, I chatted with two people close by.  They asked me about my kids, what I did, what they did etc.  We talked about this woman's wee boy who was being a little bit of a handful but no more than any other boisterous three year old I've met.  He was less interested is food and more interested in using the chair as a climbing frame.  As you do.

They saw me as this amazing, organised, capable, competent mother who manages her many children with no difficulty. Seriously, they actually said that to me.  They'd met me for all of 10 minutes, saw me interact with one of my children and saw me as all that.

I don't see myself that way.

I am sure its because I see the whole truth.  The Mummy who get cross at the kids for not doing what they were told for the third time.  The Mummy who finds it hard to listen when there are four competing voices in my ear.  The Mummy who looks at the washing pile and decides that its too hard for now and picks up the book instead.  They don't see tired Mummy, stressed Mummy, pulled too many ways at once Mummy.

But then, I think all those things mentioned above are the negatives.  The bits that I regret at the end of another day when I got annoyed at something or grumped.  The times when I'd much rather sleep than do any form of housework.  The times I wish I had done that chore because overnight its become a massive effort.

So maybe I am too hard on myself.

There are times when me and the kids are laughing our heads off at something funny.  When we cheer and celebrate our Littlest persons achievement.  When they all eat their dinner AT THE SAME MEAL.  When they do cute things with each other or wrap their arms around us and cuddle in.  How they love me to shout "Let's get ready to rumble" when it's time to leave the house.

There are times when I am up for the 4th time in the night and I just patiently sit there waiting for baby to fall asleep again.  When I let my kids choose their clothes without comment.  When they surprise me by tidying their room or they get ready without endless nagging... and I am probably guilty of not acknowleging when they've done something great either.  There are the every day moments when I listen to the stilted reading of a 5 year old and encourage her at every page turn.  When my son earnestly tells me that he has to do this and that for his homework or he tells me a long, convoluted and confusing story about Star Wars (its all about the Force, really).  When I gently remind my three year old to ask Mummy before she pours herself a cup of milk rather than grump and sigh.

I try to do all the right things.  I've breastfed for so long it takes me five minutes to work out how long that actually is.  I try to make sure that they have over 5 servings of vegetables and fruit in a day and that they eat a balanced diet over a week.  I restrict treats to birthdays and grandparents.  I give them water and milk rather than soft drink and juice.  I encourage their independence and try very hard to empathise and acknowledge how they are feeling without being a total pushover when it comes to discipline.

The reality is that when you have children, whether its one, two, four or eight, you just do it.  You get up and you start your day and hopefully it'll go okay.  Those with less children often look upon those of us with more children with something akin to fearful respect.  But really, we're no different.  How you feel about facing your child's new phase is exactly how we feel when faced with the new phase of our oldest child.  It never stops being new.  But after a while you get used to dealing with other  stuff.  I don't worry that my one year old likes taking the DVD's out of the shelf because I know that in a years time, he would have stopped that and got onto something else.  I don't worry so much about it because I know that sometimes, its just a matter of the child growing up a wee bit more.  Its hard work at the time, for example at the moment, not only is Mr One a genius at unpacking anything in his path, he's pathologically afraid of the vacuum cleaner.  You can imagine what my house looks like some days, but it changes.

It's really about being real.  I'd like to be a fabulous amazing, supermum but in reality I'm an ordinary, every day garden variety Mum who loves her kids and tries her best.  Hopefully I'm good enough.

Having some fun

It is so easy to get caught up in the busy routine of a large family and not make time for special stuff.  Its quite easy to let things just truck along, same old routines because they work, I don't have to think about them and the kids get what they need (food, sleep, clothing etc).

So I'd been thinking for a while that we should do something a bit fun and different.  As my kids love television I figured a movie night might be just the thing to create a bit of excitement.  So they got to go to the video store (big treat) to choose a DVD they'd not seen and we watched Despicable Me.  We had basic dinner which was toast with carrot and cucumber sticks then filled up on popcorn and ice cream sundaes with chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

The kids had a ball and even the littlest one seemed excited as he ate popcorn from our hands and turned around in circles and did a funny wee stamping dance.

At the end of the movie there is a dance scene and all the kids got up and had a boogie, so I got up and joined them and we danced to that and the credit music.  It was lovely to have fun and be together doing that rather than having a boring everyone-is-tired Friday dinner.

But because we could do it ourselves, it was all over by 6:30 pm and it was time to have a quick bath and hustle to bed.

Its something that we are definitely going to do more often, maybe even every week.  I think its good to bypass the normal routines and do something that is just about fun and being together.  And it makes the whole house feel happy and fun too.

On hallowed ground

On Monday our family farewelled a dear friend and teacher who has had a significant influence over our family for the last four years and even more influence over our local community.

Glennis was a teacher at our kids preschool.  But she was more than that.  She was a wise counsellor.  Gentle advice giver.  A woman of strong faith and compassion.  She had an awesome sense of humour.  She loved the children in her care.  She adored her own children and grandchildren.

At her funeral we heard beautiful tributes from her children, her friends and her minister.  Both he and another minister visited her regularly over the last few months.  They talked about the prayer, the sharing of communion, the talking and laughter.

And they talked about how it was like standing at the door of heaven.  During these times of prayer and communion, there was a crack between heaven and earth opening up and a divine presence was there.

For me, through the sadness of a passing of someone I love, it gave me such comfort and hope.  I've never had the privilege of being with someone when they die.  I've visited people near the end, I've prayed with them and said goodbye, but I've never been present as that person leaves the earth and continues their journey with God in heaven.  It was a beautiful picture of what happens when we die.  And how the love of friends and family allows everyone to be drawn in and experience some of the divine touch that is present in that hallowed ground between life and death.

It is a challenge too.  A challenge that I need to continue seeking God, and in that experience the moulding and purifying that comes from intimacy with Jesus.  It is a challenge to reflect on my own way of living and try to make choices that uphold love, grace and hope.  And a challenge to parent my children with the same energy, hope and grace that Glennis showed.  In her life, she demonstrated what it means to live like Jesus and in her death she showed us how to die with grace and hope as she walked through that door, on that hallowed ground, to her Saviour and Lord.

I would say Rest in Peace Glennis, and while I know you will be experiencing the peace that comes when earthly life is completed and the striving has finished, I think also you'll be having a bit of a party.  Maybe there is wine in heaven, I don't know, but I know that you are safe, happy and loved with God, your husband and those gone before, waiting with hope for those you loved on earth to follow.

There is a song called "At the Cross" from Hillsong this is the final verse

"And as the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And you stand before me
I know you love me
I know you love me"

Standing on the hallowed ground between life and death.  What a blessing and sacrifice.

When it counts

Its really easy to be a good person when life is good.  Its easy to give when you have money.  Its easy to laugh when you are feeling happy.  Its easy to support someone when you've got support yourself.

But what counts is not what happens when life is easy.  Its what happens when life is hard.  When things don't make sense.

Sometimes life throws curveballs and we don't know what to do.  When we start responding my instinct or not thinking before acting or speaking.  We got back to a different time.  A simple time.  A real time.  Often, our real self shows.  Who are we when under pressure?  Who are we when we're at a loss?  What is our true motivation?  Who is our true self?

As a Christian, I often feel that people judge me harder than they might others.  They look to my opinion on different things to give the Christian perspective and response.  They look at how I behave to see whether or not I am being authentic and real or whether my words are simply empty and hypocritical.

Like anyone else, Christians vary enormously and that's even before you get into differing traditions, interpretations of scripture and lifestyles.  We're treated like a homogenous group of people but really that's like saying all engineers like chips or all doctors drink red wine.  There is a lot of difference.

But unfortunately, if one group is seen to act in a certain way, there is always the risk that anyone else with that same label is going to be judged as thinking and acting the same way regardless of whether they are or not.

At the moment I am seeing first hand what happens when my interpretation of the gospel, of being a Christian, the nature and way of Christ, is so incredibly different to what is being experienced by others.  You see, I see God as a merciful, loving, compassionate, caring, grace filled, forgiving God who brings wholeness.  A God who desperately seeks relationship.  A God whose Son died on the cross so that we could be restored.  Its a truth that I know in my gut.  This is MY God.  THis is the God that I seek to emulate in my daily life.  I wouldn't say I do a great job at it all the time, but I'm trying.  I hope that sometimes I manage it.  I hope that people see my actions motivated by love, grace and forgiveness.  I do this because God first loved me, gave me grace and forgave me.

Then I see a group of people who apparently believe the same things as me, acting the complete opposite.  The opposite of love is indifference (Martin Luther King Jnr I believe).  The opposite of forgiveness is unforgiveness.  The opposite of whole is broken.  The opposite of caring is... well, not doing anything.  Its a messy, broken, unforgiving, indifferent response to a tragic and sad situation and it is breaking my heart.

It makes me angry because the hurt that this is causing is huge.  Monumental.  Its not going to go away easily.  It makes me sad because its impacting on people I care about.  It makes me even angrier when I see that this is how my God is portrayed by others.

The Christian life, our journey with God, our walk with Jesus, whatever we want to call it, calls us to become like Jesus Christ.  My reading of the gospel tells me that Jesus reached out to those in need.  That Jesus was moved to tears by suffering and pain.  A Jesus who welcomed children.  A Jesus who revealed himself first to the women visiting the tomb.  A Jesus who who both challenged his disciples to leave everything and follow but gave them everything they needed and who loved them even in their weakness... Peter denied Jesus three times yet was described as the foundation on which the church would be built.  Jesus isn't looking for perfection, but he is looking for willingness to set down our own agendas, our own self and all our crap, and to follow him.

If we don't let go of our own self... well, stuff happens.

To those out there who are affected by this... I don't think what you are seeing is reflecting Christ in any shape or form and I am sorry.  Because this is not how it should be.

Every day...

Every day we drop our son at school and we leave him to his teacher and to his friends.  Every day I pick him up.  I park across the road from the school, he and his little mate cross the road carefully at the teacher/student controlled crossing and then run along the path until they find our cars.  Every day.

Every day I expect to see my son again.  It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't.  Until now.  I am glad that its the holidays now.  Because even though the most recent mass shooting in the US is thousands of kilometres away from where I live, I can't help wondering whether it could happen here.

Rationally, I tell myself that it wouldn't.  Its not a common thing in our country to have mass shootings, I think there have only been a couple in my lifetime.  Its unthinkable that it would happen at a school.  We have tighter gun laws.  Virtually all of my friends don't have guns.  The odd one might have a gun licence, a couple know how to shoot and go hunting but that's it.  We don't have the "right to bear arms" mentality that seems to still be so prevalent in the US.  Sure there are gangs and people with guns in my community where I live but I've never had a sense that they'd be targeting schools.

I can't imagine what the parents are going through right now, the ones who have lost their kids.  If one of mine died it would be like someone had ripped my heart out.  I don't even like to think about.  When I became a parent I realised what love truly means.  I'd walk through fire, I'd stop a bullet.  I'd do anything it took to keep my kids safe... but I don't think I'd ever pick up a gun.

It seems to me, as a completely outsider, that something has to change in the US.  Guns aren't actually safe.  They are dangerous.  Children can get hold of guns and hurt themselves if nothing else.  When you get people able to buy ammo online and people with actual serious mental health problems being able to obtain guns, and serious types of guns at that, then its time to really evaluate whether restricting gun ownership, the availabiltiy of weapons and the types of weapons is more common sense than infringing on civil rights.  Guns really shouldn't be used against other people.

Children have a right to be safe in their schools and homes.  People have the right to be able to go about their daily business without the fear that someone is goign to shoot them dead.  That is a civil rights issue, to be able to go freely about your life.

I don't think the idea that everyone carrying a concealed weapon would help.  Because in all seriousness, most normal people wouldn't go and shoot a few people because they were having a bad day.  Those who do go and shoot a whole bunch of unrelated people are usually pretty unwell.  Most of the time they kill themselves in the process.  I don't think that knowing that they are likely to be killed would stop them.  Maybe its what they want?  Who knows.  But no, that argument seems to be a weak one to me.  People who decide they are going to shoot a whole bunch of people don't care that they might die.  They are that separate from themselves and their humanity that it won't make a difference to them who dies.

The only thing I can do from here is pray.  Pray for those precious, innocent children who died today and for those who saw it happen.  Pray for parents who are passing empty rooms tonight.  Pray that somehow, this will make the people of the US look hard at themselves and the legacies they want to leave their children.  That those in power will put aside their political ambitions and look carefully at the long term impact their decisions are having on generations of people.  God, be there.  Be with those in grief.  Be with them.

Sad

Sometimes things are just sad.

A week ago we discovered a friend had died of cancer.  We'd kind of lost contact over the last few years, hearing only things from others, and even those closer, hadn't heard for a while.  She and her family had been part of our community for just a year, 5 years ago.  In that time they became part of us. They connected, they joined, they served and they celebrated.  In that time they demonstrated the love of God as they welcomed another adopted child into their family.  They shared their lives with us.

And then we found out she had died.  A beautiful Mummy of three gorgeous children.  A loving wife.  An athlete.  Her children, a bit older than my own, doing all their 'firsts' without Mummy there.  A Dad trying to be all things to everyone.

Last night we had a memorial service at church.  We were able to share the eulogy her husband wrote, reflect on the short time they were with our church community.  We were able to learn some of her journey in cancer, to how she fought it every step of the way with the loving support of her family.  We were able to share our own memories.  For me it was that we were both waiting for our babies at the same time and a few days before Caitlin was born, they picked up their little girl from an orphanage in Taiwan.  Christmas babies for everyone.

And I feel sad.

There is hope of course.  She is with God, of that I have no doubt, and I know she didn't have any doubt either.  One day, her family will be together.  God has been with her and her family throughout this whole journey and it won't stop now either, they will keep on keeping on.

But its still sad.

I think sometimes its okay to just be sad.  Really, there isn't anything good about dying of cancer leaving a young family behind.  I think sometimes Christians can be a bit too quick with the glib responses, that somehow we should be less sad when something terrible happens?  Is it really better that a Christian woman dies than a non Christian does?  I don't think so.  Because any unexpected or early death is sad.  Sure we can hold on to the certain hope of eternal life but its a life we don't fully understand.  It is some comfort but it doesn't hide the fact that when a child wakes at night and wants their Mummy, all they and their Daddy will be thinking is "she's not here" and it makes things even sadder.  I see the look on my babies face when he sees me, I am his world, it hurts to think that her children have lost theirs.

I think I am also sad because it brings up my own secret motherhood fears.. what would happen if something happened to ME.  I know that it would all work out.  It would be heartbreaking and hard but  my family would have the love and support of so many.  But its still sad to think about.

I am sad because I regret not keeping contact.  I regret not calling her more or not sending a letter.  I wish I'd known more about what she was going through so I could have prayed for her and her family through the whole ordeal, not just in the aftermath.  It reminds me how important it is to be connected with people.  Sometimes we can't do anything FOR them but we can still be 'there'.  Being there in prayer and in love. Holding onto them in a virtual way.  I got a bit annoyed the other day when I didn't know that someone close to us had gone in for surgery and no one had told me the day it was happening.  Sometimes the only thing I can do is pray for someone... or maybe bring over a lasagne.  I can't always drop everything and run like i'd want to when something happens... my family juggle means that there can be up to three people involved in just sorting out the afternoon schedule if hubby or I aren't available.  I am thankful that I can call on some people to help out if needed... like last night, going to the memorial service meant numerous phone calls, texts, messages and things to find someone to watch the kids for an hour.  Huge thanks to the special person who was able to help because there are some things I just have to do and saying farewell to my friend was one of them.

Sometimes life is sad.   And I am not going to feel bad about feeling sad because I think its okay.  I remember how Jesus wept when he saw Lazarus was dead.  I remember how he begged God to spare him from what was to happen that first Easter... I think Jesus understands what its like to be sad.

Godspeed my friend.  Maybe your children always remember your love.  May they continue to laugh.  Be at peace.  I hope there are some awesome marathons in heaven for you.  I think you'd love that.  Arohanui.