Sometimes things are just sad.
A week ago we discovered a friend had died of cancer. We'd kind of lost contact over the last few years, hearing only things from others, and even those closer, hadn't heard for a while. She and her family had been part of our community for just a year, 5 years ago. In that time they became part of us. They connected, they joined, they served and they celebrated. In that time they demonstrated the love of God as they welcomed another adopted child into their family. They shared their lives with us.
And then we found out she had died. A beautiful Mummy of three gorgeous children. A loving wife. An athlete. Her children, a bit older than my own, doing all their 'firsts' without Mummy there. A Dad trying to be all things to everyone.
Last night we had a memorial service at church. We were able to share the eulogy her husband wrote, reflect on the short time they were with our church community. We were able to learn some of her journey in cancer, to how she fought it every step of the way with the loving support of her family. We were able to share our own memories. For me it was that we were both waiting for our babies at the same time and a few days before Caitlin was born, they picked up their little girl from an orphanage in Taiwan. Christmas babies for everyone.
And I feel sad.
There is hope of course. She is with God, of that I have no doubt, and I know she didn't have any doubt either. One day, her family will be together. God has been with her and her family throughout this whole journey and it won't stop now either, they will keep on keeping on.
But its still sad.
I think sometimes its okay to just be sad. Really, there isn't anything good about dying of cancer leaving a young family behind. I think sometimes Christians can be a bit too quick with the glib responses, that somehow we should be less sad when something terrible happens? Is it really better that a Christian woman dies than a non Christian does? I don't think so. Because any unexpected or early death is sad. Sure we can hold on to the certain hope of eternal life but its a life we don't fully understand. It is some comfort but it doesn't hide the fact that when a child wakes at night and wants their Mummy, all they and their Daddy will be thinking is "she's not here" and it makes things even sadder. I see the look on my babies face when he sees me, I am his world, it hurts to think that her children have lost theirs.
I think I am also sad because it brings up my own secret motherhood fears.. what would happen if something happened to ME. I know that it would all work out. It would be heartbreaking and hard but my family would have the love and support of so many. But its still sad to think about.
I am sad because I regret not keeping contact. I regret not calling her more or not sending a letter. I wish I'd known more about what she was going through so I could have prayed for her and her family through the whole ordeal, not just in the aftermath. It reminds me how important it is to be connected with people. Sometimes we can't do anything FOR them but we can still be 'there'. Being there in prayer and in love. Holding onto them in a virtual way. I got a bit annoyed the other day when I didn't know that someone close to us had gone in for surgery and no one had told me the day it was happening. Sometimes the only thing I can do is pray for someone... or maybe bring over a lasagne. I can't always drop everything and run like i'd want to when something happens... my family juggle means that there can be up to three people involved in just sorting out the afternoon schedule if hubby or I aren't available. I am thankful that I can call on some people to help out if needed... like last night, going to the memorial service meant numerous phone calls, texts, messages and things to find someone to watch the kids for an hour. Huge thanks to the special person who was able to help because there are some things I just have to do and saying farewell to my friend was one of them.
Sometimes life is sad. And I am not going to feel bad about feeling sad because I think its okay. I remember how Jesus wept when he saw Lazarus was dead. I remember how he begged God to spare him from what was to happen that first Easter... I think Jesus understands what its like to be sad.
Godspeed my friend. Maybe your children always remember your love. May they continue to laugh. Be at peace. I hope there are some awesome marathons in heaven for you. I think you'd love that. Arohanui.
